God's Ego?

see my new blog page:

http://daughter0fzion.wordpress.com

moving my blogging.

I really like this other site I have found... so, I am going to do my blogging on both for a bit - but wean myself onto the other site -

daughter0fzion.wordpress.com (the O in "of" is a zero)

Why not me?

I am almost done a most amazing book Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. It is amazing, and life forming. There are more aspects to it than I can draw out in a blog... and much of it simply cannot be summarized briefly at all; at least not by me and my poor handling of such weighty doctrines as the complexity of God being fully sovereign in His ordaining things to be, and man's being fully responsible at the same time...

But, a similar theme rings out to me, one that I have thought on often this year.... I am reading, time and again, the oft-times necessity of pain and suffering that our Lord uses as a wakeup call. And I wonder, why, why has He chosen in the midst of His goodness, to draw my heart to Him?

I think that I left the ball in His court so to speak. For a long time. Much of 2006 was consummed with myself, and my thinking that if it were really bad, God would do something about it. The Lord does not leave us in our lukewarm state, does He? Sin! I thought I could justify my self-absorbtion by saying; "well, God doesn't seem too upset... there's no lightning.... no disease.... He is sovereign after all....." Abuse! Abuse of His goodness, of His doctrines. Abuse of my understanding of Him.

I think it is grasping this that freed me in much of my thinking. I really wanted to place all of my deeds at His feet, along with the responsibility of my decisions. Mind you, my understanding of this is all very hindsight, but such is the case. If God had gone ahead, and allowed me some deep pain, I most likely would have attributed it to His displeasure in my weak Christian living. The results may have been similar, but He has chosen to show that revival of the heart, and a thirsting for Him need not be precipitated by a famine.

Piper writes: "The suffering of the servants of God, borne with faith and even praise, is a shattering experience to apathetic saints whose lives are empty in the midst of countless comforts." I wait for it... anticipating it.... Not in an apprensive way, more curious really. I want to be broken. I want to continue to cry at church, as my soul sings "When Christ shall come, with shouts of acclamation, and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, and there proclaim MY GOD HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!!!!!" Don't you see it too? When you close your eyes? Are you in the largest, grandest hall ever? Kneeling before the throne? Is He not sitting there, with scarred hands? And your heart wants to SCREAM "How great You are!" but, it is barely a whisper.... do you choke it out, with tears that fall faster? Are you as awestuck as I? You kiss His feet, there are nail marks there yet... but aren't they beautiful?

And do you wonder with me too, at the cushiness of life? At the apathy? For His provision - the money, the health, the home, heat, food in abundance... nothing compared to Him. Our sufferings cannot compare to the weight of glory we are on the verge of partaking in. And it is on the verge - for whether it be another 60 years, or merely 60 days it is but a breath in the depths of eternity. Let our blessings not compare either friends. I am apathetic. But, my heart is melting... tears are starting to flow... vulnerability is following... May God continue to use the goodness of life to change me, and may I be ready to glorify Him when it is the dark days He chooses to sanctify me with. May my heart's cry not vary from one moment to the next - in plenty or in want - may He be my all in all.

Mary.

I know that the concept of being a Mary in a Martha world is often touted. I have seen the books at the bookstore... but, as I have not read them, I figure I can go ahead, and share some of the observations I have.

My analogy cannot be carried through to completion, given the nature of the context, but I believe there is some merit to contemplating the worthiness of Christ, as Mary understood it.

She sat at His feet. Her sister was busy with much serving (Luke 10:38-42), and here she was, slacking off. In my humanness, I understand her sister's frustration. The unfairness. Food does not cook itself. And certainly not when you are preparing meals for others. Martha was anxious about the preparation, and her sister chose to learn at the feet of Jesus.

How often do I choose the poor portion? How often do I stress about the details of life, when I could be sitting at my Lord's feet? How much greater an opportunity do we have than Mary and Martha did! "I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you." John 16:7 This is better? Better than sitting at Christ's feet? Ah! I am sure I am not alone in wishing I could have been there... and yet, God, in the Spirit, indwells me, and I neglect this truth, and live so often as though it were not truth.... I neglect the beauty of God in me! We are not so amazed as we ought to be.

And, when it came to His final week before the crucifixion, she anointed His feet. With A YEAR'S WORTH of WAGES of perfume. Are we not apt to say with Judas, what a waste? Oh! May we have the faith to see the glory of God! May we, with Mary, understand His Supreme worth! May there be no price too high to pay that we can agree with Mary to wash His feet with our hair, our tears, and a year's worth of wages in a one pound bottle is a great delight! May we serve Him, with our bodies, our heart's cries, and our monies!

She knew His death was imminent, which is where my analogy falls short. Jesus said it was right for her to spend the money, as she had been intending to keep it for the day of Christ's burial. (John 11:7) But, in the sinfulness of my heart, there is much of me that says, "is it ever worth it? What a lot of money for a Body!" But, God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him, and Martha was satisfied. Oh! For the faith to so delight in Him, that no perfume costs too much to show Him that He is my treasure! May I not put a price-tag to my faith. That I would say with Mary, no price is too high to prove of my love for You My God and My King!

that's gross.

i love grossing people out. sorry. heehee.

Okay, this is definitely NOT appetizing, right?

but who doesn't like home baked deliciousity? (you must pardon my english, i like using cartoon slang and other variations of real words)   these sloppy bananas will eventually be fresh and warm bread.....mmmmmmm....

Similar to those disgusting bananas are we, the human race. (i know, i do come up with the strangest analogies...) Alone we are broken and this leads to a life of frustration and futility. (ONCE YOU WERE ALIENATED FROM GOD AND WERE ENEMIES IN YOUR MINDS BECAUSE OF YOUR EVIL BEHAVIOR.- colossians 1:21)

But (isn't that a great word?) God has given us Jesus..... 

"BUT NOW HE HAS RECONCILED YOU BY CHRIST'S PHYSICAL BODY THROUGH DEATH TO PRESENT YOU HOLY IN HIS SIGHT WITHOUT BLEMISH AND FREE FROM ACCUSATION-"  colossians 1:22

amazing! incredible! what a glorious verse, i can't even fathom the greatness of it, because in my humanness it is like banana bread with chocolate chips (because it satisfies my craving for wholeness and meaning in life)-- instead of the supernatural freedom and GRACE and love and MERCY that it truly is!  i only hope that as i (and we) continue to seek God and search His word, He will reveal to me (and us) the depth of glory and truth that He is.  And that i (and we!!) wouldn't settle for the (mediocre and cheap) banana bread gospel message.  

Sometimes i hear the complaint that we cannot know what the bible is really telling us, or we can't tell other people that 'our interpretation' is the right one (which i understand in certain cases, there are things which the bible is not exactly clear on, and many things that i/we interpret wrongly and need to be corrected in- 2timothy3:16). --- BUT the scripture says otherwise about our knowing God and His word, so do not lose hope!! do not  think we are alone and must trust our own thoughts to lead us the right way (for this we need the Holy Spirit):

"AND WE ALSO THANK GOD CONTINUALLY BECAUSE, WHEN YOU RECEIVED THE WORD OF GOD, WHICH YOU HEARD FROM US, YOU ACCEPTED IT NOT AS THE WORD OF MEN, BUT AS IT ACTUALLY IS, THE WORD OF GOD, WHICH IS AT WORK IN YOU WHO BELIEVE."  1 thessalonians 2:13

wow. clear as a bell.*

God's word in at work in us who BELIEVE.  

and so: at the end of this montage of things i am learning, i will put my new favorite challenge to myself:

1 THESSALONIANS 4:11-12

"make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anyone."

isn't that grand? anyway, anyone have examples of how to lead a quiet life? etc etc?? i'd love to hear what this means in a practical sense.

okay. my long windedness is finally 

done.

*disclaimer: i realize this is a cliche, and NOT all bells are clear.....

Resolved.... not for the faint.

Rejoice with those who rejoice,

weep with those who weep.

Romans 12:15

Again - it takes a combination of circumstances to bring about change. Or, sometimes circumstances mingled with good reading, and soul food....

That I have a stronghold of emotional boundaries may not seem evident on first glance - but they are there. For far, far too long I have been resolved to maintain dry eyes. I have never thought crying to be a weakness - in others - but have not given myself license to cry overly much in ten years, I assure you.

I started crying (correction - my eyes glistened) nearly every week at both my Beth Moore Bible study, and also during the summer, when I led a Don't Waste Your Life study with some girlfriends. Drove me nuts - these tears, involuntarily dripping out of my eyesockets. Unwarranted, unneccessary, humiliating. To top it off, Dear Susan insists on Hugging nearly every time I see her. She KNOWS I don't want to be touched. And the walls come down.... brick by brick... and with it a new resolve. As much as it is within me (God - reveal these people to me!!!!) I want to rejoice daily with someone, and mourn daily with someone.... To cry, to weep, to laugh; to remain no longer unaffected by the hurts, and needs, and joys of others. To not try to have it all together emotionally. Ravenhill says that "Our eyes are dry, because our hearts are dry." I suspect he is right.

I find myself apathetic much of the time to the eternality of life. That most of those around me do not know Christ, and are headed down the path of destruction oftentimes does not phase me. God forbid that I feel so little any longer!

I have steeled myself against tears, and am learning to let them loose - for there is something so intrinsic about the connection between the dry eyes and hearts - I have managed, for the sake of the former, to create a mild desert in the latter.....

I have had to really let go to be able to weep with the Piper family, and the loss of little Felicity. To not hold back the grief I feel on their behalf. And I cried yesterday, as I began to read chapter two of Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. Mark Talbot quotes from Elie Wiesel's Night - of his first night in a Nazi concentration camp as an adolescent. This is not for the weak....

"
....Not far from us, flames, huge flames, were rising from a ditch. Something was being burned there. A truck drew close and unloaded its hold: small children. Babies! Yes, I did see this, with my own eyes... children thrown into the flames....." and from the footnote to the 2006 edition: "I did not say [in Night] that they were alive, but that was what I thought. But then I convinced myself; no, they were dead, otherwise I surely would have lost my mind. And yet fellow inmates also saw them, they were alive when they were thrown into the flames. Historians.... confirmed it."

I thought about my own little ones, tucked in their beds across the hall as I read this. I thought about the violence of such a death for them.... I thought about the families that got torn apart in these camps, about the survivors, who lived the rest of their lives with these memories. I thought about my cushy life in comparison - about a bad day being one where Trinity has a cough. Oh God! Soften my heart!!!! This empathy does not seem to be anything I can manufacture within myself - and so I beg of the Lord yet another tough prayer - let me not walk by the hurts! Let me not live my life oblivious to the pain around me! Let me not waste another day, fulfilling my own selfish desires, when so many need the Lord's presence! May the tears flow freely....

We want to hide ourselves from pain, do we not? To protect our hearts from the depths of sadness that others are experiencing. To steel ourselves against the "inhumanity" of mankind. I encourage you, dig deeper. Laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. Be knit to the souls of those lives you touch, and bless them with a heart that exudes the compassion from above.

....While all that borrows life from Thee is ever in Thy care....

This beautiful, powerful hymn came to my mind this morning, as I was reading Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. The hymn is "I sing the mighty power of God." Chills.... I love that feeling... when you can sense God is a whisper away - when words on paper inspire awe and reverance and awareness of His absolute Godness. Hymns do that for me.... so does reading Piper.

"I can't understand with any empathy or appreciation what goes on inside a person who says that when he sees the cross of Christ and experiences God's power, he feels a sense of worthiness. My experience is exactly the opposite: when I catch a glimpse of Calvary-love, my first feeling is not, "My, how worthy I must be that he would die for me!" but rather, "O, how foul must be my sin to require such a sacrifice, and how horribly lukewarm is my love and adoration and trust and obedience to such a worthy Savior!" And it's the same when this mercy, purchased at Calvary, meets my need in some crisis situation: I don't come away feeling worthy or sufficient; I feel broken and abased that in spite of my fears and halfhearted trust, he condescends in free mercy to my need." Piper - July 12th, 1981

I have been praying one of those "scary" prayers this week - you know, the ones you do not want to ask, because you know you are not going to like the answer? The following verse has been reverberating in my head: “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” Luke 7:47 I have been praying that God would make me more aware of my sin. Of my sinfulness. I know I have been forgiven Much, but knowing that, and KNOWING that, seem to be two very, very different things. That I might fall and weep at Jesus' feet - broken and abased! That my sins, so very great and grievous, might be more obvious to me - and that in my brokenness, and unworthiness, I might love much - because I have been forgiven much.

All that borrows life from Thee.... my life is in His sovereign hands. In Him we live and move and have our being... (Acts 17:28a) I can do nothing apart from Him. He is gracious, and delightfully condescending. We miss, so often, His magnitude. And our utter dependence on Him. I do not want to be apathetic a moment longer - to His presence, to His mercy, to His goodness, to what He really did in my place on the cross. Soli Deo Gloria!!!