Friday, August 31, 2007

With no Regrets.

May I stand at Golgatha, and weap. May I remember, daily, what His blood bought for me. Why does it not break our hearts?

We talk about living each day to its fullest. We talk about living every day as though it were our last. But we can not spend every day in Paris, or laying down and kissing our babies (they would not hold very still anyways). We can not weap and cry and mourn the missed opportunities. There are not enough moments in a day for regret.... and would not regret defeat the purpose of His blood anyways? Jonathan Edwards got it... John Piper gets it. Edward's list of resolutions, written before he was even twenty, are testimony to what it looks like not waste a moment. He wrote about 70, these ones struck me:

Resolved:
5. Never to lose one moment of time, but to improve it in the most profitable way I can.
6. To live with all my might, while I do live.
17. That I will live so, as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.
22. To endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness in the other world as I possibly can, with all the power, might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of.

"Down time"... I do alot of that, really well. And never feel quite so fulfilled, or content, as on the days when I tidy the kitchen in the evening, or spend the afternoon in my Bible. The most energy I experienced this week was the day I got up early to pray....

The days FLY by... and I know I have wasted so many moments. I think time is alot like money... "pinch a penny, save a dollar" or something like that. Maybe if I checked my computer one or two less times in the morning, and memorized Scripture instead. Maybe if I made one less trip into Sarnia in the week, and read my Bible for those 40 minutes instead. Oh! I want to be useful for the Kingdom, and I can not be, if I waste my days, my moments, my minutes.

We are scared, are we not, of thinking too often on eternity? Like we can delay its coming by filling our lives up with fluff. Life is so short! May I live each second eternally minded, so that when I do stand before the throne, and plead His blood, I can say "I lived for YOU, and You alone Lord - and although I am saved by nothing within me, I aimed to live without wasting the moments...."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

You will FEEL.

"Smile, God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life."
I am not sure how many times I have heard this trite summary of the gospel. Surely more than I can count right now. Think bumper stickers, youth group rallies.... and it is an excellent summary of the modern gospel (just throw in a "just the way you are" after "God loves you" first)

But - the wonderful, amazing truth is that while God surely loves you, and His plans are wonderful - He is most concerned about His glory; and how your life might glorify Him may not be how you envisioned it. He does not promise you comforts and delights (in this life!). Quite the opposite: “Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you." John 15:20

I was struck with how the great prophets reacted in God's presence. Isaiah declared "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!" Isaiah 6:5. And Ezekial, upon seeing his vision, said that "The Spirit lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness in the heat of my spirit, the hand of the LORD being strong upon me.... And I sat there overwhelmed among them seven days." Ezekial 3:14, 15b

Woe? Bitterness? THIS is how one feels in the presence of God??? We champion our "rights" to His throneroom - without realising what it is we are talking about! We pray, wimpy little prayers, without realising the power and magnificence that is truly there!!!! Oh! If we saw who we were talking to - we might not be so blase. We might tremble. We might be overwhelmed for an entire week. But we would not be fake any longer. We might just realise too, how important God is. How paying lipservice to Him for an hour on Sunday just does not cut it. Someone told me recently that they were not ready to go Home yet - because they have not lived the last few years in a God-exalting fashion. You will find it again! We will find Him, when we search for Him with all our heart! Oh, sisters and brothers in Christ - let us not waste another moment - let us stand in the throne room and marvel! Let us tremble - and then get about our business of serving Him, our Master, with every fibre of our being! Do not tarry a moment longer!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

If we dieted the way we "do church" we would be in a sad state of affairs...

I think back to when I was doing weight watchers - a huge part of the program was accountability. It was going to the meetings, often with a friend, because you knew that if someone else were concerned about what you were eating, you would be more concerned as well.

But I can tell you what did not work. It was when I pulled out a slice of cake in the evening, and someone would say "aren't you on a diet?" Oh - I felt accountable alright. I also felt like I had been beatup. And the enjoyment of the cake was gone - even though I had earned it with losing weight that week. I was either going to eat it, and feel crappy about myself while I did, or I was going to not eat it, and resent them for their "help". We know how much it hurts to get this sort of exhortation. We also know how good it feels when someone comes along side us and says "wow - I know how much of a struggle this is for you - way to go! Good job on losing those three pounds last week - you look fantastic!"

So, why is it when it comes to matters of sin, and matters of the heart, we resist showing love, and compassion first? We are so very quick to judge, and knock one another down; "Aren't you on a diet?" I think a large part of it is we are afraid that if we encourage one another, we are condoning the very things we know the other person is trying to correct in their lives. Like, if we tell someone who is only half way to their goal weight that they are looking fantastic, we fear they will think "Yah, I do look good, don't I? Maybe I don't need to lose the next 75 pounds." Those of us though, who have fought weight loss with a friend know that with every "You're looking good" we are that much more motivated to lose the rest. "Hey, just think how much better I will look when I lose another 10 pounds!"

Oh! That we would get this in our spiritual lives! That we could hug one another and say "I see you struggle sister, but I know it is a battle, and I know you are fighting! You are doing it! I see the Lord working in you, and He is faithful! He will not give you more than you can bear my friend! Let us fight together!" We are wrong to assume we must judge first and love later.

C.S. Lewis nailed the situation and struggle on the head in Screwtape Letters... Screwtape is writing to his nephew, a fellow demon, about how to handle a new convert to Christianity - and part of his advice runs as follows:
"If the patient knows that the woman with the absurd hat is a fanatical bridge-player or the man with squeaky boots a miser and an extortioner - then your task is so much the easier. All you have to do is to keep out of his mind the quesion 'If I, being what I am, can consider that I am in some sense a Christian, why should the different vices of those people in the next pew prove that their religion is mere hypocrisy and convention?' "

It really is so much easier to judge someone for struggles we know nothing about. But, let us not forget that we all have our own vices... let us not forget that we all value the friend who knows our weakness, accepts us, loves us, but still wants better, best for us. May we all be that sort of friend!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Fragile.

I was listening to a Piper message the other night (desiringgod.org if you've never heard of him) and he was talking about how much shorter life seems now than it did when he accepted his pastorate at 36, about 20 years ago. And my mind screamed "NO!!!!!!!" For, at only 26 it seems so fragile already.

I don't feel OLD, I didn't like turning 26 (first quarter century done), but the last year has given me a new perspective, and the length of time we have on this earth is so very, very short. A speck in eternity. The feeling makes me want to breathe, really really quickly into a brown paper bag.

I do not fear death. Whether I make it to 102, or only 32. If I did not think that those around me would miss me, I would rejoice at the thought of going home tomorrow. I can not wait to stand in God's throne room! When my heart worships, I envision the courts, full of the train of His robe, with thousands around... I see Christ on His throne, nail-scarred, and I find myself eager to wipe His feet with my tears. He... perfect God... hung on a tree, for me! Oh, it's no wonder the great hymnists can write of a fountain filled with blood... like it were a good thing!

I want to see my children grow - I want to cry at my daughter's wedding, cheer at my son's graduation. I want to kiss my grandchildren goodnight, and sit on a beach in Fiji with my best friend and our husbands. I want to see the glory of the Lord fill the hearts of those who are close, but do not know Him. I want to learn how to listen twice as much as I talk. I want to lead more Bible studies, and help girls birth their babies. I want God to get the glory for my every moment - but wonder how this can be. I want to hear each of my children rejoice in the fact that God is their Savior, and be present at their baptisms. I want to kiss my husband goodmorning every day and goodnight every evening. I want to trust in the Lord's understanding, and not my own. I want, I need, to know that those around me feel loved by me, that they know I care, and why. That I am not all talk and no action. That no one feels left out, left behind, or left hurting.....

I want to live in God's Word, and His presence.


It is not just Piper who has reminded me of life's brevity, and fragility. My Uncle was diagnosed two weeks ago with cancer. And while he may have hope in surgery, he has no hope in the here-after. Oh, God! Awaken in his heart a need for You, and a knowledge of his sins! He found out the day after his 49th birthday just how fragile life is.... and life seems too, too short.

So too; I think on dear friends - who question the fairness of God... may you see that every breath we take is more than we deserve! Oh, delight in the Lord, while He may be found! Whether you know Him yet or not - my prayers for your hearts is that you will trust Him.

So, while we still have today, may we live to not waste it. Life is, after all, made up of days.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Of Brats and Pumpkins.

For the sake of anonymity amongst friends, I will spare them the embarrassment of including names. Which may, infact, defeat the purpose of this. You know who you are…. I think....

I feel inspired to write from a couple of circumstances. Brad and I recently attended a few weddings, and I commented to him that it does not seem right – the only times we express how we feel about those around us, are when someone is marrying, or passed on. Why is it, that we do not say what could be said? Now, he feels that his friends and family know how he feels – but, convinced as I am that he truly reflects love, affection and caring, I do not know that many of us say what is really, REALLY on our hearts. And certainly not in front of others. Can we not have some sort of mid-life eulogy? I have learned more about myself, from others in the past month, than in my entire life combined I think. And it has been an amazing process.

Another factor that influences this blog has been the reaquaintance with old friends... and the regrets there are that I short changed myself. I feared all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons, and missed out on some great experiences. I am learning that even the ones who seemed so put together, so on top of things, had insecurities of their own. I know that things work always for the better though - for God promises that He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So - for those of you, from high school, who have walked back in - I praise God for second chances.

I have let too many good friends go. The occasional acquaintance that could have been something more… that common spark, that walked away. From a lack of time? Sincerity? The fear of vulnerability? Excuses, I think, most of the time. I have the best of intentions... and I am sorry things never went beyond that - L.a.T.
Back in grade eight - I became close to someone... and one day at recess her best friend walked up to her and said "what, is SHE your new best friend now?" while I was standing there. And I walked away from J. We smiled in the halls for the next 5 years, but never spoke again, I don't think. I have few regrets in life - and this is one of them. Amazing, how pivitol a small, preteen moment can be. I did not stand up for myself, or my friend. I got bullied out of a relationship that I treasured.

And then there are all the potential relationships around me - the new our-kids-swim-together ones, and the old, I-recognise-you-this-is-awkward-I-forgot-your-name ones... And I am too afraid to act on my heart's cry "Be a friend..." I know I am not alone in this fear of putting myself out there - I think that if I actually anticipated people reading this, I might not write. : ) Do you see me as I see myself? Do you think I am stuckup? Proud? Silly and fluffy? Do you wonder if my head is on straight? Do you have me figured out? Or do you mistake me?

And there are no guarantees that the best relationships are the natural ones. There are those people you just click with. Instant chemistry. They get you. And the water runs deep in the first moments. And then there are the ones where someone says "You'll really like her, give her another chance" and sometimes, another chance, and another.... I think I blew a few relationships in Windsor - by leaving a bad first impression. By being opinionated. By being open enough that people thought they knew me, without being vulnerable enough to be sweet. For that I am sorry.

L. Brat. My only hindsight regret in moving to Windsor was leaving you. I had no clue what you endured those 5 years, and I am sorry for that. You have proven so true as a friend. I know of no one more level headed in dealing with people. Not to say you are stellar at taking your own advise : ) but your wisdom is beyond your years. And you remind me of Jane in Pride and Prejudice - forever finding the best in those around you. It is a true gift, and one I hope to emulate.
You have taught me to assume the best in others. To listen before finding fault.

L. Hmm.... not what we expected years ago, is it? Amazing, how long a relationship can go on, with nothing happening, and then to be suddenly thrust into an explosion of enjoyment. You are quickly teaching me - that first impressions are not always lasting ones, and that some of the truest relationships may be borne of a contentious start.

S. A bright spot. I could not leave you standing there next to the wall by yourself a few weeks into Bible study when you made your first appearance. Kindred spirits - your soul is so, so very beautiful. You love, and delight in simplicity of heart, and humble my own heart with such an easy, natural personality. And you've got me hugging people. I thought the only people who voluntarily touched others were those paid to - massage therapy, dental hygenists.... :)

R1. And the reason for this blog. You have taught me more, from a greater distance, than I could have thought possible. Your life lessons will stick to my bones - because they are not ones that come naturally to me. To never assume the other person is mad at you. To wait things out when a relationship is tough.... Patience... To not try and fix everything the moment it has gone wrong. So many times, I think to second guess myself, to call up and apologize for saying too much... and instead wait. And have been amazed at the results. Thank you for a lesson in trusting my friends to be friends.

G. Dreamer. I worried about you today - too many 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55 to make me comfortable.... God has, for whatever purpose, allowed me the chance to pray for you when you have really needed it. You have taught me that following your dreams can be an exciting, amazing, exhilarating ride. I have loved every enthusiastic bit of news you have ever had to share. You have forgiven much, and for that I am grateful. You have taught me that it is not always about people changing, but sometimes about changing viewpoints....

H. How does one sum up daily interaction? You listen to what I do not say. You know how my day is, just by how I say hello when I answer the phone. You take me to get tattoos. You have my children over, even when you know that the L/A combo is going to be disastrous. You love me, with a fierocity, but not a jealousy. You trust my instincts. You enspire me to get in the Word, to memorize the Word, and to pray.
You have taught me that being a good mom is not about how one was raised, but where one turns to. You have taught me to believe that God can use even a stay-at-home Mommy for His glory.

B. You hate me putting you out there - so I will make this as impersonal as possible.... You are my constant companion, listening ear, strong provider. You are a rock to lean on, and an amazing example of what it means to truly be a loyal friend. You are always right - it's kind of an annoying trait, really, but I love that you do everything you do with purpose and intent.

Too, too many others... I praise God for the ridiculous amount of people He has given me. I thank Him for the lessons I can learn from each one of them - and trust I will be journeying through life with each of you..... Thank you!

All to the glory of God.

Only let each person lead
the life that the Lord has
assigned to him, and to
which God has called him.

1 Corinthians 7:10

I think that
alot of times it is easy to justify what I do. I mean, it is tough raising three little ones. They are so busy! I was not called to be a missionary (not yet at least) and am quite happy being the sender. I have given myself the freedom to be a "good" Christian, but not always a passionate-about-God one.

That changes - when you get in the Word. When you read passages like the one above, when you realise that a calling is not always a calling to go abroad. Sometimes it is a calling to stay home, to be a blessing to your husband; to love your children, to set an example to your neighbours.

I am blessed with a wonderful home, with my health, with a husband who provides, because God has so greatly supplied. But how I waste it! Oh! That I might live the life assigned to me in a manner that glorifies the Lord in everything I do. "Whether we eat, or drink, or whatever we do, do all to the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31) How is that possible? One way Piper puts it is that "the essence of our work as humans must be that it is done in conscious reliance on God's power." (Don't waste your life - pg 141) He also says that "God delights in being trusted and enjoyed." (pg 138) I think... perhaps... I can start there. I can pick up my broom, and thank Him for the health that He has supplied. I can pray for my sick uncle as I sweep. And when the house feels disastrous, I can rejoice in the children that are crazy-healthy enough to make the mess. I can thank Him for this amazing home He has given me.

May He be honored in what I do! May I scrub toilets, make meals, change sheets in a way that says, not only "thank You", but "Lord, You mean more than this - may You be my bread, my fountain, my Rock." I want to delight in Him as I go about my day - to remember that the steadfast love of the Lord is better than life. May I live today, at home, for Him.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Can't I bring my camera?

I laugh at my son - weeping, because he can not bring his camera to heaven. And I remember the days, thinking that if the Lord came back, I would be ready, clinging to my own blanket too tightly for Him to rip it from my grasp. Maybe He would pity me? Maybe He would make an exception? It is just a little blanket, surely it can come too.... (This was when I was little - I am not referring to my Nate Berkus blanket at the foot of my bed : )

But, chuckle at my son? I am no better now that I was at 5. No different than Judah. Merely less honest. For, is the truth not that we cling to pleasures of this world with such alacrity, we might as well be asking to bring them with us? It is much like C.S. Lewis's analogy when he said that adults who struggle with the concept of heaven without sex, are like children who cannot imagine sex is enjoyable, because it doesn't involve eating chocolate (well, not all the time at least : ) We can not envision one without the other. But the same principle applies to many areas; it is not just sex we can not imagine heaven to be without. And when we enjoy the things that God has given us, more than God Himself, more than the promises of reward in the life to come, we are clinging to our blankets, and our cameras.

Oh! May I say with David, that God's steadfast love is better than life itself!

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:1-8)