Is there better news?

But Jesus said, "Let the little children

come to Me and do not hinder them, for

to such belongs the kindgom of heaven."

Matthew 19:14

The cliches of life I have sought to avoid - however this one begs to be said. Judah invited Jesus into his heart today. We discussed the fact at lunch that God is everywhere. He wanted to know how we know He is near. He wanted to know how I know I have the Holy Spirit in my heart. And he wanted to know if Jesus was in his heart too.

So, I explained what that means - that we tell Jesus we are sinners. That we confess we need Him, and the work He accomplished on the cross to cover our sins. That he wants Him to be in his heart. And so we prayed together.... Glory to God!

For those of you who know me - this was not easy. I have struggled with not wanting to give myself, or my children a false sense of security. God is not to be taken lightly. Salvation is not a ticket to heaven, but a life change of wanting to serve God with our hearts. Of loving Him above all else. But this verse at the top of my blog came to mind - who am I to hinder my child from approaching the throne of salvation?

God knows the desires of my heart - I do not care what my children suffer in this life, only that they may come to know Him. That no hardship will be too great for them or me, if I know they are safe in the arms of my Saviour. Broken arms, broken hearts... famine, fears, being ostrisized.... I will hug them as we both cry - but rejoice all the more if that is part of what makes them stronger in their love and worship of God.

May He alone be glorified by their every actions! May today be the day when the old man (be he 4 and a half and four feet tall) dies, and gives way to a life that honours God! Samuel heard the voice of God as a tot, may all of my children call to Him, and He will answer them, and tell them great and mighty things that they have not known! (Jeremiah 33:3)

freckle

But the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout

the whole earth, to give strong support to those

whose heart is blameless toward Him.

2 Chronicles 16:9

I used to hide from verses like this one? Blameless? Certainly not me! So far from it, in fact, that I know I am un-useable by God. But I had missed the point (a common theme for me it seems). For, I will never be blameless. What I do have is the blood of Jesus Christ, that covers me.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,

Oh, may I then in Him be found;

In Him, my righteousness, alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.

I can stand before God because of the work Christ did for me on the cross. And, the power which God used to raise Him from the dead is the same immeasurable power toward us who believe! (Ephesians 1:9) Strong support? An understatement it would seem! The very power that God used to raise Christ is active in my life! I am without excuse! Oh - the cry of my heart is that He will use me! He has said in His Word that He will! That He might recieve all glory, honor and power due His name when He does use me! Here am I - send me! Oh - suffocated in His presence! He is so big, and so awesome and HOLY. The GREATNESS of God - the wonder of it! And it is amazing how, when my eyes are on Him and not myself, and I seem like a freckle - when I feel smallest, and most insignificant, that this is when I have never felt more alive in my life! As Beth would say "There is no high like the Most High!"

Of friendship and of wrestling

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled

with him until the breaking of the day... Jacob

said "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

Genesis 32:24,26

I am going to tell on my best friend here. She, naturally, would not be my best friend if I did not think she had many, many fantastic qualities about her. But this is my favorite. Partly because I have never seen it before (have to love unique), but mostly because it is such an amazing, deep quality, that it just gets me EXCITED.

She wrestles with God. I tell no lies - I have witnessed it twice now in the last few months, and I have already learned when I see the tendencies coming on, it is time to be quiet, and just pray. And wait for her to call me.

Never mind the specifics - but there are times when I know, well, we are not fighting (Naturally we never do : ) but she does not want to talk. The first time, I wondered what I had done. It is that thing that happens, when someone who tells you everything has a secret. And of course you wonder "Is it me? Did I say something? Do something?" Only, grace upon grace, God spoke to her heart. And - she was not sure she heard it right. Oh, I am not talking about sins here, just that glorious re-working when she realises that the doctrine she grew up with in a particular area does not line up with Scripture.

So she wrestles. For a week. And, when she is done, God has blessed her. She has peace. And she is deeper in love with Him than before. The whole thing is awesome. It gave me goosebumps when I finally figured out what was going on.

The second time... she was Mad at my author. And she wrestled. And she does not allow spectators. I think it is fantastic. Beth Moore would have shouted "glory!" My best friend is too busy talking to God to talk to me. Could I ask for better in a friend?

Of Peter and of Lucy

When Peter say him, he said to Jesus, "Lord

what about this man?" Jesus said to him,

"....what is that to you? You follow me.

John 21:21,22

I love Peter. I am so like him. He is standing in the presence of God, and he is worrying about the other guy. The youngest Pevensie in C.S. Lewis's Prince Caspian has a similar experience. More than any other scene in the Narnia series, this stands out to me.

Lucy was the first in Narnia, and in this return trip (the last she and all three of her siblings will make together) she is the only one who can see Aslan, who is trying to direct the children a different, quicker route. Lucy gets bullied into ignoring her feelings about things by her older siblings, until she finds Aslan on her own, at night, after her siblings are asleep. This is her encounter with Aslan (the lion King of Narnia, the depiction of Christ)

...And the next thing she knew was that she was kissing him and putting her arms as far round his neck as she could and burying her face in the beautiful silkiness of his mane.

"Aslan, Aslan. Dear Aslan," sobbed Lucy.

"At last."

The great beast rolled over on his side so that Lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. He bent forward and just touched her nose with his tongue. His warm breath came all around her. She gazed up into the large wise face.

"Welcome child," he said.

For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke.

"Lucy," he said, "we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today."

"Yes, wasn't it a shame?" said Lucy. "I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so--"

From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.

"I'm sorry," said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. "I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyways, was it?"

The Lion looked straight into her eyes.

"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "You don't mean it was? How could I - I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that... oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?"

Aslan said nothing.

"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right - somehow? But how? Please Aslan! Am I not to know?"

"To know what would have happened, child?" said Aslan? "No. Nobody is ever told that."

"Oh dear," said Lucy.

"But anyone can find out what will happen," said Aslan. "If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me - what will happen? There is only one way of finding out."

"Do you mean that is what you want me to do?" gasped Lucy.

"Yes, little one," said Aslan.

"Will the others see you too?" asked Lucy.

"Certainly not at first," said Aslan. "Later on, it depends."

"But they won't believe me!" said Lucy.

"It doesn't matter," said Aslan.

Am I not Peter? And Lucy? For too, too long - caught in the fear of not wanting to be used by God, because I do not want to stand out. And what is true about both situations - the "other guy" is a believer as well. Lucy knows she will get flack from her older siblings, who also know and love Aslan. Peter wants to know why he has to die some horrid death, but John may not have to. IT'S NOT FAIR!!! we cry. God, if you are going to use me, do I have to go it alone? Why use me? The heart's cry is not always that of Isaiah "Here am I, send me!" Nor that of Samuel "Speak, LORD, for your servant hears." Sometimes it is the scared voice of Lucy, or the questioning voice of Peter.

But my heart is learning to believe with Lucy - "it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with You." May I be willing to surrender all, every day! And not only that - but to see the glorious truth of Isaiah:

"So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11

Not only am I not responsible for the results - but God is not going to ask obedience from me that will not bring about results that glorify and magnify Him. May I give up the fear of man! And pursue, passionately, the voice of God. As by faith I step out, leave the "what about hims?" behind, and instead say "Here am I, SEND ME!"

Obedience

First obey, perform the external work, renounce your
attachments, give up the obstacles which separate you
from the will of God. Do not say you have not got faith.
You will not have it so long as you persist in
disobedience and refuse to take the first step.
D. Bonhoeffer

I had done it wrong for so long, in a way consistent, I suspect, with other believers. I began with this premise: I know I am saved, I know God is in my life, I know I am forgiven. So, where is God? Why do I not sense His presence?

So, my books reflected the thoughts of my heart - marriage books, child-rearing books, prayer books, any number of glorified Christian self-help books. Brad's theology? Not interesting. Not exciting. Certainly not relevant. I have ISSUES to deal with here. But....my books... they were not working. There is no way to manufacture the working of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. And therefore no way to manufacture agape, peace, joy, patience.... the fruit, the gifts. It was only as I picked up Spurgeon... Piper... Lewis.... Bonhoeffer that I began to discover God.

And wonder of wonders! The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding IS guarding my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus! (Philippians 4:7) With the knowledge of God, and finding the beauty of Him on the pages of those who thrived on His presence, all of the things I was trying to make happen on my own were starting to happen without effort.

I supposed the Holy Spirit's presence might mean thinking about God more, praying more, the desire to serve Him more. I did not expect to find joy in the mundane. When God commanded me to "do everything with out complaining or grumbling" I thought I was responsible for that. Not so much as I thought. A bi-product! I never made a conscious decision to love laundry, to delight in keeping my house cleaner. It is just happening. I have tried to be more joyful in the past when I parent, but when my heart is directed to God, I can not help but stand in awe, and revel at the beauty and creativity of my children. I want to wrestle on the floor with them, and hide in the closet, and have yelling matches - just to see their delight!

Oh - the freedom in knowing that when I look to God, and pursue my joy in Him; my joy for work, my children, my husband increases exponentially! So, I rest in the truth of taking up my cross, of getting out of my mud puddle, of obeying even when it feels insincere to begin with... and finding God will prove faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me!!!

My Mud Puddle

If we consider the unblushing promises of

reward and the staggering nature of the

rewards promised in the Gospels, it seem

that our Lord finds our desires not too

strong, but too more weak. We are

half-hearted creatures, fooling about with

drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy

is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants

to go on making mud pies in a slum because he

cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a

holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

C.S. Lewis

This is my life quote. By which I mean that I want to live by it. Last year that meant content in my mud puddle. This year it means actively pursuing my joy in God. And - Oh! He is faithful!

I know that, in my defiance, I sat quite content in the mud. I was waiting, and challenging God to shake me. More tolerable than the still small voice would have been a BOOM! from heaven, anger, or some physical wakeup call. But He wooed.... not what I expected. God, in His omniscient mercy said "Come. Let it go and come." He whispered. I thought it might be easier to come to Him as a rebuked child than as His bride. I was somehow waiting for Him to take the next step. I was holding Him responsible for my actions "Lord, if you are not concerned enough to make me scary-aware of Your holiness and hatred of my sin, then I am just going to keep doing what I am doing here. "

Sin of sins! "Is there a more diabolical abuse of grace than to sin and rely on the grace which God has given?" (D. Bonhoeffer) I have no excuses. I told people I was happy in my puddle. I told them I knew I would have alot for the year to repent of. God requires no less than our all - and I offered a pitiful tithing of a tithe. A year of wandering. Of handing Him the bits and left-over pieces. Church once a week. The occasional chapter of a book. And still no "THWACK!!"

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and how inscrutable His ways!" Romans 11:33 When I finally stepped out and commited to giving up Halo for the duration of our Bible study He accepted my pitiful offering! He has drawn me out of the depths of rebellion, stirred me to repentance and renewed my spirit! Renewed? REVIVED!

Taking up my cross.

If anyone desires to come after Me,

let him deny himself, and take up

his cross daily and follow Me.

Luke 9:23

And so I open with a verse that has plagued me more than any other for the past year and a half. Deny myself? Do I have to? Can we not come to an understanding Lord? God heard it all from me, mostly mumbled, about why denying myself was not a good idea for me at the time.

Sometimes I told Him I was too tired, too busy. Other times I was more honest, and told Him that I, quite frankly, did not care. I was happy. Happy trying to be a wife and mother. Mostly happy not giving up Halo (which deserves its own blog). Happy that I got enough of a jolt on Sunday to feel like He was still there. And yet, beneath my happiness, a niggling, nagging thought "You were made for more...." I actually, literally sang "I surrender most". I knew God did not have my all; the fear in me had won - but that only temporarily.

The turning point came for me when our church began Beth Moore's Believing God. The year before in a different study I heard the Holy Spirit whisper. But I ignored Him. This time I determined to not neglect that voice, but take up the challenge to give up that which was holding me back from listening. And so, equipped with my Bible, and my best friend for accountability, I have delved into waters deeper than I have ever tread.

I love that the verse says "Take up his cross daily." In all my humanness I had missed the point for so long. Daily? Every day? Like, tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, till the end of my days? God - it is more than I can bear! Can I not take, say, next Tuesday off? A day for me? I will still be good... just... well, not so focused on You. And then it hit me "Do not worry about tomorrow... sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34 God is providing us with the grace to carry today's cross, in the form that it takes for each of us. Tomorrow's cross may very well be different than today's. But He is not asking me to commit tomorrow right now. God knows that when we look at giving up "that thing" - those habits, those pleasures, those friends, for all time, we can not do it. So do it, for today. Today, pick up your cross, and follow Him. Just today. This is what ultimately freed me - trusting God for today, and knowing that tomorrow we would worry about tomorrow.