Taking up my cross.

If anyone desires to come after Me,

let him deny himself, and take up

his cross daily and follow Me.

Luke 9:23

And so I open with a verse that has plagued me more than any other for the past year and a half. Deny myself? Do I have to? Can we not come to an understanding Lord? God heard it all from me, mostly mumbled, about why denying myself was not a good idea for me at the time.

Sometimes I told Him I was too tired, too busy. Other times I was more honest, and told Him that I, quite frankly, did not care. I was happy. Happy trying to be a wife and mother. Mostly happy not giving up Halo (which deserves its own blog). Happy that I got enough of a jolt on Sunday to feel like He was still there. And yet, beneath my happiness, a niggling, nagging thought "You were made for more...." I actually, literally sang "I surrender most". I knew God did not have my all; the fear in me had won - but that only temporarily.

The turning point came for me when our church began Beth Moore's Believing God. The year before in a different study I heard the Holy Spirit whisper. But I ignored Him. This time I determined to not neglect that voice, but take up the challenge to give up that which was holding me back from listening. And so, equipped with my Bible, and my best friend for accountability, I have delved into waters deeper than I have ever tread.

I love that the verse says "Take up his cross daily." In all my humanness I had missed the point for so long. Daily? Every day? Like, tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, till the end of my days? God - it is more than I can bear! Can I not take, say, next Tuesday off? A day for me? I will still be good... just... well, not so focused on You. And then it hit me "Do not worry about tomorrow... sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34 God is providing us with the grace to carry today's cross, in the form that it takes for each of us. Tomorrow's cross may very well be different than today's. But He is not asking me to commit tomorrow right now. God knows that when we look at giving up "that thing" - those habits, those pleasures, those friends, for all time, we can not do it. So do it, for today. Today, pick up your cross, and follow Him. Just today. This is what ultimately freed me - trusting God for today, and knowing that tomorrow we would worry about tomorrow.